I don't know if it is because I am a girl? Maybe that is why I get down on myself every now and then for the way I look, the way I carry myself, why I worry about what others think of me? Does my genetic code as a young girl ensue thoughts of insecurity on purpose to torture me?
Let's admit, not being the "first" in any parts of any relationship doesn't make you feel so high and mighty. Firsts always mean something to someone and there's proof of it anytime they bring up the past. It doesn't feel good to know, for any girl or guy to hear the past relationships or friendships your significant other has had before you walked into the picture. I have always been insecure about how others view me and it has always held me back. At the end of the night, who can I call my truest and bestest friends? Probably two. Two that I know will always be there for me. But they have their own lives and although it may seem I have plenty of friends to turn to, I have very few people that I feel comfortable opening up around. I am not all that interesting and I blame my lack of adventure for holding me back. I am always fearing the repercussions and the moment I jump the gun, all comes crashing down..or a cop shows up. ..joke* What I mean is, when I do take a chance, whether the outcome may possibly entail good or bad consequences, I always end up getting in trouble for the slip I made. I can never do anything "bad" without getting caught; so I just give up meddling in risky business all together. That, and I have such a guilty conscious that I can't even sleep at night without tossing around my pillows and blankets to feel comfortable again.
Anyway..totally shifted gears...Well basically, in my current relationship and my past relationship, I've always had to adjust to the doubts of any lingering feelings that they may have held onto (not particularly ex-girlfriends,) but girl-friends. Claiming that it was a "crush"or "that was before" and the famous "it's not even like that....anymore". Is it because I've never had a crush on any of my close friends? Am I sorry that I have never once thought to be a possible homie-hopper? Sorry, but thas just not how I doo :P I thought that in my new relationship, I would never have to worry about those insecurities, but sadly...I am. The last girl was the sweetest, most popular and smartest girl in the school. She was the girl-next-door. LITERALLY. Practically lived right across the street. This time, not so much. I only met her once, but apparently, she is benevolent-hearted and just so happened to be the first girl who made in effort in talking to my once-extremely-shy (current) boyfriend. The other day, she texted him and a flush of past insecurities engulfed my body. I had this strange feeling that he once liked her, which he admitted. I definitely am not worried about her... surprisingly, she seems honest and I can trust that she would treat my boyfriend as a a friend and will not over-step her boundaries. That much, I know I can trust. With the last relationship ending in doubts and logged-in facebook messages with other girls, I couldn't help but questioning my trust for my new boyfriend. The girl is sweet, and after meeting her one time, I can't blame him if he'd make in effort in wanting to re-kindle a good friendship. I guess all I'm asking is that for once, I hope that I am good enough. I may not have an impact on every person in the group like she did, I may not have his friends having little crushes on me, it's just..for once, all I'm hoping for is that I am good enough.
No one should settle for less, but I myself, is all I can offer. I have this urge to up my game to compensate my jelly belly. Maybe a new hair-cut will do? Make-up perhaps? Fuck that actually, that's not me. I'll just keep chugging my choo-choo and I'm not stopping for no one. Okay, yes I will. I'll only stop for people who give me a reason to. Until then, I'm chugging. Just excuse the water ladies and gentlemen for the ride will be flooded with insecurities for a while. It won't be long and if you stay, I promise that it'll be clear down the track.
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