seastar fued

I cry because I would rather confront the feelings I have than deny the feeling of pain. Why would I purposely numb myself and force myself not to cry? My sister has always been outspoken but don't get me wrong, I admire her for such a trait. However, I tell her that she has been hurt far too many times that mere situations or even situations that deserve a heartache, are things that she avoids all together.

I told her that I haven't seen an old best friend in a long time and she had promised to see me when she came back from a trip. Well, she has returned but I have yet to see her. Of course I am not hurt by that, it was just that I found it a bit funny when her best friend has been posting pictures of her and my ex. It seems they have been hanging all summer and my sister's right, I shouldn't be bothered by that at all; and I'm not. It was just last night, I was talking to my guy friend who happened to be my other friend's best friend's, ex-girlfriend. Since I am avoiding names here, I guess it'll make more sense if I say: both of our exes have been seeing each other. What I guess bothered me is that when I found out my ex was talking to other girls through private messages on facebook (the moment I instantly ended it), one of those girls...was her. Apparently, they had been going out on lunch dates and hanging out according to the messages but I never thought much of it at the time because, yes, she was a friend of mine too. It was no wonder he never put our relationship on his profile, it was most likely to continue hishangouts with these random girls, one girl including the one I have been talking about in particular. So her ex, or my guy friend was telling me about how he has been seeing her too a few times throughout the summer, although he saw them as dates and for her, mere hangouts.

So I told my sister how funny it was and she claimed that it shouldn't bother me anymore; "just be like whatever about it". And I said yea, I am. It's just that means that whole time my ex was messaging her, there was definitely something going on between the two of them, but because she's a friend of mine, I excused it. And my sister said "See, that's why you cry over stupid shit you shouldn't care about". One thing for sure was that I wasn't crying and that problem has happened such a long time ago, why would I still worry about it? It was just that moment of realization that she turned out to be one of the 3 girls who were talking to my ex when we were together.

The argument totally took a turn when my sister, like always, started to get really defensive saying that I cry all the time and that it's fucking stupid to worry about shit like that. I find it irritating when my sister resorts to words like that. She has numbed herself from all the hurt she received in the past that any other moment that deserves a good cry, is instantly denied. Doesn't matter if it's worth it. She says "that's why I don't trust anybody anymore; no one deserves my trust anymore because they do shit like that. I don't even expect anyone to do anything and I'm just not surprised if they end up hurting me". I told her that I had to disagree with her. We were no longer talking about exes, or trust...we were talking about my weakness. Anytime anyone ever disagrees with my sister, she gets so defensive and it's hard to talk to her. It is even harder when you have to put up with someone who you can see slowly turning into a bitter cold person by simply denying their right to cry.