the sun will come out tomorrow; hopefully.

Call me a believer in external locus of control. And yes to all you psychology students out there, I've applied some of what I learned in Bigg's class into my life. I really don't know why I'm doing this right now. I shouldn't be blogging about my life. I should be cramming in all this government junk into my brain right now like all the other kids right? I don't know. I feel out of place in my AP classes. I think to myself "Why even try?" There's always someone out there who is bound to get a higher score than me. I don't know. I just don't feel like trying. I already know that I'm not going to do great. Heck, I'm probably not going to do my best at all.

Kuya just left a while ago. As my dad checked the window I reminded him to wake me up early so I can eat breakfast and make it to school before seven. I kinda did this pathetic fall and hung on my dad and told him that I was really nervous about tomorrow. He said "Don't worry, you can do it." And I answered "No. I can't. All the kids are smarter than me." I cried a little but it didn't matter because he was no longer paying attention. Lord. I feel so stupid. So many believe in me, but I don't believe in myself. What am I to do?
I have this mind set where maybe if I do certain things, than I'll get really lucky and my score will turn out to be the way I want it to be. I know it's silly but I'm secretly superstitious.

Shit. I'm screwed. I have no potential or any hopes of passing this test. I know I should take this seriously... but there's something that's holding me back. I'm always afraid that someone will see me studying or preparing for a test but when they find out my score, it's extremely low. I guess I just tend to study in secret rather than out in the open. I'm just stupid. There's so much I can do, and I know I'm not using my full potential. I keep holding back. I'll regret the fact that I didn't study like everyone else when scores come out. I've thought about lying so people wouldn't lower their perception of my intelliegence. But lying is just as stupid. Dammit. It's getting late. I'm still sick. I should take a shower and sleep now. I don't want to do that either. What do I want??? Lord. I'm lost.

Is the sun going to come out tomorrow?