Yayy, my Mom is finally letting us use the AC in our house! This was me everyday for the past two weeks leading up to today's use of air conditioning. Dammmmmm fans:
 |
| a fan blowing hot air into my hot face |
20120813
20120811
chuggin' on!
*major-sigh* yet another unsuccessful day~ I should be getting ready for my friend's Aamel going away party but I had originally planned to show up late so I can get in some work for FCN done. I have yet to finish the script. Right now I'm trying to find the right words to make my perks sound convincing. Trying to raise $15,000+ is not easy. Why the "major-sigh"? Because I became occupied, with discouraging thoughts. Fortunately not about FCN work.
I don't know if it is because I am a girl? Maybe that is why I get down on myself every now and then for the way I look, the way I carry myself, why I worry about what others think of me? Does my genetic code as a young girl ensue thoughts of insecurity on purpose to torture me?
Let's admit, not being the "first" in any parts of any relationship doesn't make you feel so high and mighty. Firsts always mean something to someone and there's proof of it anytime they bring up the past. It doesn't feel good to know, for any girl or guy to hear the past relationships or friendships your significant other has had before you walked into the picture. I have always been insecure about how others view me and it has always held me back. At the end of the night, who can I call my truest and bestest friends? Probably two. Two that I know will always be there for me. But they have their own lives and although it may seem I have plenty of friends to turn to, I have very few people that I feel comfortable opening up around. I am not all that interesting and I blame my lack of adventure for holding me back. I am always fearing the repercussions and the moment I jump the gun, all comes crashing down..or a cop shows up. ..joke* What I mean is, when I do take a chance, whether the outcome may possibly entail good or bad consequences, I always end up getting in trouble for the slip I made. I can never do anything "bad" without getting caught; so I just give up meddling in risky business all together. That, and I have such a guilty conscious that I can't even sleep at night without tossing around my pillows and blankets to feel comfortable again.
Anyway..totally shifted gears...Well basically, in my current relationship and my past relationship, I've always had to adjust to the doubts of any lingering feelings that they may have held onto (not particularly ex-girlfriends,) but girl-friends. Claiming that it was a "crush"or "that was before" and the famous "it's not even like that....anymore". Is it because I've never had a crush on any of my close friends? Am I sorry that I have never once thought to be a possible homie-hopper? Sorry, but thas just not how I doo :P I thought that in my new relationship, I would never have to worry about those insecurities, but sadly...I am. The last girl was the sweetest, most popular and smartest girl in the school. She was the girl-next-door. LITERALLY. Practically lived right across the street. This time, not so much. I only met her once, but apparently, she is benevolent-hearted and just so happened to be the first girl who made in effort in talking to my once-extremely-shy (current) boyfriend. The other day, she texted him and a flush of past insecurities engulfed my body. I had this strange feeling that he once liked her, which he admitted. I definitely am not worried about her... surprisingly, she seems honest and I can trust that she would treat my boyfriend as a a friend and will not over-step her boundaries. That much, I know I can trust. With the last relationship ending in doubts and logged-in facebook messages with other girls, I couldn't help but questioning my trust for my new boyfriend. The girl is sweet, and after meeting her one time, I can't blame him if he'd make in effort in wanting to re-kindle a good friendship. I guess all I'm asking is that for once, I hope that I am good enough. I may not have an impact on every person in the group like she did, I may not have his friends having little crushes on me, it's just..for once, all I'm hoping for is that I am good enough.
No one should settle for less, but I myself, is all I can offer. I have this urge to up my game to compensate my jelly belly. Maybe a new hair-cut will do? Make-up perhaps? Fuck that actually, that's not me. I'll just keep chugging my choo-choo and I'm not stopping for no one. Okay, yes I will. I'll only stop for people who give me a reason to. Until then, I'm chugging. Just excuse the water ladies and gentlemen for the ride will be flooded with insecurities for a while. It won't be long and if you stay, I promise that it'll be clear down the track.
I don't know if it is because I am a girl? Maybe that is why I get down on myself every now and then for the way I look, the way I carry myself, why I worry about what others think of me? Does my genetic code as a young girl ensue thoughts of insecurity on purpose to torture me?
Let's admit, not being the "first" in any parts of any relationship doesn't make you feel so high and mighty. Firsts always mean something to someone and there's proof of it anytime they bring up the past. It doesn't feel good to know, for any girl or guy to hear the past relationships or friendships your significant other has had before you walked into the picture. I have always been insecure about how others view me and it has always held me back. At the end of the night, who can I call my truest and bestest friends? Probably two. Two that I know will always be there for me. But they have their own lives and although it may seem I have plenty of friends to turn to, I have very few people that I feel comfortable opening up around. I am not all that interesting and I blame my lack of adventure for holding me back. I am always fearing the repercussions and the moment I jump the gun, all comes crashing down..or a cop shows up. ..joke* What I mean is, when I do take a chance, whether the outcome may possibly entail good or bad consequences, I always end up getting in trouble for the slip I made. I can never do anything "bad" without getting caught; so I just give up meddling in risky business all together. That, and I have such a guilty conscious that I can't even sleep at night without tossing around my pillows and blankets to feel comfortable again.
Anyway..totally shifted gears...Well basically, in my current relationship and my past relationship, I've always had to adjust to the doubts of any lingering feelings that they may have held onto (not particularly ex-girlfriends,) but girl-friends. Claiming that it was a "crush"or "that was before" and the famous "it's not even like that....anymore". Is it because I've never had a crush on any of my close friends? Am I sorry that I have never once thought to be a possible homie-hopper? Sorry, but thas just not how I doo :P I thought that in my new relationship, I would never have to worry about those insecurities, but sadly...I am. The last girl was the sweetest, most popular and smartest girl in the school. She was the girl-next-door. LITERALLY. Practically lived right across the street. This time, not so much. I only met her once, but apparently, she is benevolent-hearted and just so happened to be the first girl who made in effort in talking to my once-extremely-shy (current) boyfriend. The other day, she texted him and a flush of past insecurities engulfed my body. I had this strange feeling that he once liked her, which he admitted. I definitely am not worried about her... surprisingly, she seems honest and I can trust that she would treat my boyfriend as a a friend and will not over-step her boundaries. That much, I know I can trust. With the last relationship ending in doubts and logged-in facebook messages with other girls, I couldn't help but questioning my trust for my new boyfriend. The girl is sweet, and after meeting her one time, I can't blame him if he'd make in effort in wanting to re-kindle a good friendship. I guess all I'm asking is that for once, I hope that I am good enough. I may not have an impact on every person in the group like she did, I may not have his friends having little crushes on me, it's just..for once, all I'm hoping for is that I am good enough.
No one should settle for less, but I myself, is all I can offer. I have this urge to up my game to compensate my jelly belly. Maybe a new hair-cut will do? Make-up perhaps? Fuck that actually, that's not me. I'll just keep chugging my choo-choo and I'm not stopping for no one. Okay, yes I will. I'll only stop for people who give me a reason to. Until then, I'm chugging. Just excuse the water ladies and gentlemen for the ride will be flooded with insecurities for a while. It won't be long and if you stay, I promise that it'll be clear down the track.
20120729
seastar fued
I cry because I would rather confront the feelings I have than deny the feeling of pain. Why would I purposely numb myself and force myself not to cry? My sister has always been outspoken but don't get me wrong, I admire her for such a trait. However, I tell her that she has been hurt far too many times that mere situations or even situations that deserve a heartache, are things that she avoids all together.
I told her that I haven't seen an old best friend in a long time and she had promised to see me when she came back from a trip. Well, she has returned but I have yet to see her. Of course I am not hurt by that, it was just that I found it a bit funny when her best friend has been posting pictures of her and my ex. It seems they have been hanging all summer and my sister's right, I shouldn't be bothered by that at all; and I'm not. It was just last night, I was talking to my guy friend who happened to be my other friend's best friend's, ex-girlfriend. Since I am avoiding names here, I guess it'll make more sense if I say: both of our exes have been seeing each other. What I guess bothered me is that when I found out my ex was talking to other girls through private messages on facebook (the moment I instantly ended it), one of those girls...was her. Apparently, they had been going out on lunch dates and hanging out according to the messages but I never thought much of it at the time because, yes, she was a friend of mine too. It was no wonder he never put our relationship on his profile, it was most likely to continue hishangouts with these random girls, one girl including the one I have been talking about in particular. So her ex, or my guy friend was telling me about how he has been seeing her too a few times throughout the summer, although he saw them as dates and for her, mere hangouts.
So I told my sister how funny it was and she claimed that it shouldn't bother me anymore; "just be like whatever about it". And I said yea, I am. It's just that means that whole time my ex was messaging her, there was definitely something going on between the two of them, but because she's a friend of mine, I excused it. And my sister said "See, that's why you cry over stupid shit you shouldn't care about". One thing for sure was that I wasn't crying and that problem has happened such a long time ago, why would I still worry about it? It was just that moment of realization that she turned out to be one of the 3 girls who were talking to my ex when we were together.
The argument totally took a turn when my sister, like always, started to get really defensive saying that I cry all the time and that it's fucking stupid to worry about shit like that. I find it irritating when my sister resorts to words like that. She has numbed herself from all the hurt she received in the past that any other moment that deserves a good cry, is instantly denied. Doesn't matter if it's worth it. She says "that's why I don't trust anybody anymore; no one deserves my trust anymore because they do shit like that. I don't even expect anyone to do anything and I'm just not surprised if they end up hurting me". I told her that I had to disagree with her. We were no longer talking about exes, or trust...we were talking about my weakness. Anytime anyone ever disagrees with my sister, she gets so defensive and it's hard to talk to her. It is even harder when you have to put up with someone who you can see slowly turning into a bitter cold person by simply denying their right to cry.
I told her that I haven't seen an old best friend in a long time and she had promised to see me when she came back from a trip. Well, she has returned but I have yet to see her. Of course I am not hurt by that, it was just that I found it a bit funny when her best friend has been posting pictures of her and my ex. It seems they have been hanging all summer and my sister's right, I shouldn't be bothered by that at all; and I'm not. It was just last night, I was talking to my guy friend who happened to be my other friend's best friend's, ex-girlfriend. Since I am avoiding names here, I guess it'll make more sense if I say: both of our exes have been seeing each other. What I guess bothered me is that when I found out my ex was talking to other girls through private messages on facebook (the moment I instantly ended it), one of those girls...was her. Apparently, they had been going out on lunch dates and hanging out according to the messages but I never thought much of it at the time because, yes, she was a friend of mine too. It was no wonder he never put our relationship on his profile, it was most likely to continue hishangouts with these random girls, one girl including the one I have been talking about in particular. So her ex, or my guy friend was telling me about how he has been seeing her too a few times throughout the summer, although he saw them as dates and for her, mere hangouts.
So I told my sister how funny it was and she claimed that it shouldn't bother me anymore; "just be like whatever about it". And I said yea, I am. It's just that means that whole time my ex was messaging her, there was definitely something going on between the two of them, but because she's a friend of mine, I excused it. And my sister said "See, that's why you cry over stupid shit you shouldn't care about". One thing for sure was that I wasn't crying and that problem has happened such a long time ago, why would I still worry about it? It was just that moment of realization that she turned out to be one of the 3 girls who were talking to my ex when we were together.
The argument totally took a turn when my sister, like always, started to get really defensive saying that I cry all the time and that it's fucking stupid to worry about shit like that. I find it irritating when my sister resorts to words like that. She has numbed herself from all the hurt she received in the past that any other moment that deserves a good cry, is instantly denied. Doesn't matter if it's worth it. She says "that's why I don't trust anybody anymore; no one deserves my trust anymore because they do shit like that. I don't even expect anyone to do anything and I'm just not surprised if they end up hurting me". I told her that I had to disagree with her. We were no longer talking about exes, or trust...we were talking about my weakness. Anytime anyone ever disagrees with my sister, she gets so defensive and it's hard to talk to her. It is even harder when you have to put up with someone who you can see slowly turning into a bitter cold person by simply denying their right to cry.
20120704
20120625
carnivore
Goodness, I hope I don't get sick from the rib-eye steak I ate today for my Papa's birthday dinner celebration. My stomach is starting to hurt..and so does my head /: I never was a big fan of "medium-rare". Ah, I hope it isn't "rare" to start feeling symptoms like this. I also took a sip of German white wine. :P blech..did I ever mention that I get nauseous even at the slightest whiff of alcohol? Me no feel gewd d;
random old post from unknown time
two diff earing
getting to prom by car
big whole in my pants
scab
Today was another interesting day. The weather was bipolar. At first it was extremely cold then it got burning hot during Track. Art was pretty fun. Lorraine came over and brought some strawrberry milano cookies and a camera. The whole time we were taking abunch of pictures and dancing to Fire by 2NE1.
getting to prom by car
big whole in my pants
scab
Today was another interesting day. The weather was bipolar. At first it was extremely cold then it got burning hot during Track. Art was pretty fun. Lorraine came over and brought some strawrberry milano cookies and a camera. The whole time we were taking abunch of pictures and dancing to Fire by 2NE1.
bite the bullet
I think I'm going crazy. I really need help storing all the FCN stuff Al is passing down to me and it's really difficult when people are telling me that they "don't have room". That answer is understandable, but I don't have room either. I'm already holding onto so much stuff for FCN/E-Board that my parents want to start throwing it out. I don't know how much more I can take before they snap.
When I mentioned that we should possibly invest in a storage room, and that we may possibly have to pay $5 dollars each, I got no response. No one can help, or doesn't want to.
My last hope is to contact them, personally. I just hate when I feel like I have to bother people.
Al's parents are bringing all the stuff down this Saturday, and on that very day, I have to take it off their hands. I just won't have anywhere to put it. This is one of the first tasks I have to do as FCN, and our first task as board. I wish it wasn't so hard. I really need people to just answer me, or at least bite the bullet with me. What scares me is in the long run, will I be able to rely on them? In the end, I'm scared that I'll have no one to to turn to on board, but my self. I'm probably just stressing over nothing..like I usually do. I'm sorry for ranting. I just need you to help me keep me sane.
On a happier note, I had a family dinner..with my whollle family. Mom, Papa, Kuya, Ate..everyone. We made rib-eye steak, cauliflower mash and zucchini. I actually enjoyed the steak (and this is coming from a meat-hater. lol.. My sister and I haven't been fighting lately. She's treating me out to Mitsuwa tomorrow when I come home from school. Then Tuesday, I'm going t Sprinkles with Jed. I miss the old times, but I'm happy to see it reappear again.
When I mentioned that we should possibly invest in a storage room, and that we may possibly have to pay $5 dollars each, I got no response. No one can help, or doesn't want to.
My last hope is to contact them, personally. I just hate when I feel like I have to bother people.
Al's parents are bringing all the stuff down this Saturday, and on that very day, I have to take it off their hands. I just won't have anywhere to put it. This is one of the first tasks I have to do as FCN, and our first task as board. I wish it wasn't so hard. I really need people to just answer me, or at least bite the bullet with me. What scares me is in the long run, will I be able to rely on them? In the end, I'm scared that I'll have no one to to turn to on board, but my self. I'm probably just stressing over nothing..like I usually do. I'm sorry for ranting. I just need you to help me keep me sane.
On a happier note, I had a family dinner..with my whollle family. Mom, Papa, Kuya, Ate..everyone. We made rib-eye steak, cauliflower mash and zucchini. I actually enjoyed the steak (and this is coming from a meat-hater. lol.. My sister and I haven't been fighting lately. She's treating me out to Mitsuwa tomorrow when I come home from school. Then Tuesday, I'm going t Sprinkles with Jed. I miss the old times, but I'm happy to see it reappear again.
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