seastar fued

I cry because I would rather confront the feelings I have than deny the feeling of pain. Why would I purposely numb myself and force myself not to cry? My sister has always been outspoken but don't get me wrong, I admire her for such a trait. However, I tell her that she has been hurt far too many times that mere situations or even situations that deserve a heartache, are things that she avoids all together.

I told her that I haven't seen an old best friend in a long time and she had promised to see me when she came back from a trip. Well, she has returned but I have yet to see her. Of course I am not hurt by that, it was just that I found it a bit funny when her best friend has been posting pictures of her and my ex. It seems they have been hanging all summer and my sister's right, I shouldn't be bothered by that at all; and I'm not. It was just last night, I was talking to my guy friend who happened to be my other friend's best friend's, ex-girlfriend. Since I am avoiding names here, I guess it'll make more sense if I say: both of our exes have been seeing each other. What I guess bothered me is that when I found out my ex was talking to other girls through private messages on facebook (the moment I instantly ended it), one of those girls...was her. Apparently, they had been going out on lunch dates and hanging out according to the messages but I never thought much of it at the time because, yes, she was a friend of mine too. It was no wonder he never put our relationship on his profile, it was most likely to continue hishangouts with these random girls, one girl including the one I have been talking about in particular. So her ex, or my guy friend was telling me about how he has been seeing her too a few times throughout the summer, although he saw them as dates and for her, mere hangouts.

So I told my sister how funny it was and she claimed that it shouldn't bother me anymore; "just be like whatever about it". And I said yea, I am. It's just that means that whole time my ex was messaging her, there was definitely something going on between the two of them, but because she's a friend of mine, I excused it. And my sister said "See, that's why you cry over stupid shit you shouldn't care about". One thing for sure was that I wasn't crying and that problem has happened such a long time ago, why would I still worry about it? It was just that moment of realization that she turned out to be one of the 3 girls who were talking to my ex when we were together.

The argument totally took a turn when my sister, like always, started to get really defensive saying that I cry all the time and that it's fucking stupid to worry about shit like that. I find it irritating when my sister resorts to words like that. She has numbed herself from all the hurt she received in the past that any other moment that deserves a good cry, is instantly denied. Doesn't matter if it's worth it. She says "that's why I don't trust anybody anymore; no one deserves my trust anymore because they do shit like that. I don't even expect anyone to do anything and I'm just not surprised if they end up hurting me". I told her that I had to disagree with her. We were no longer talking about exes, or trust...we were talking about my weakness. Anytime anyone ever disagrees with my sister, she gets so defensive and it's hard to talk to her. It is even harder when you have to put up with someone who you can see slowly turning into a bitter cold person by simply denying their right to cry.

'BOUT TO GO PHOKING WOLVERINE BEZERKER-RAGE RIGHT NAO.

you've cat to be kitten me right meow.

carnivore

Goodness, I hope I don't get sick from the rib-eye steak I ate today for my Papa's birthday dinner celebration. My stomach is starting to hurt..and so does my head /: I never was a big fan of "medium-rare". Ah, I hope it isn't "rare" to start feeling symptoms like this. I also took a sip of German white wine. :P blech..did I ever mention that I get nauseous even at the slightest whiff of alcohol? Me no feel gewd d;

random old post from unknown time

two diff earing
getting to prom by car
big whole in my pants
scab

Today was another interesting day. The weather was bipolar. At first it was extremely cold then it got burning hot during Track. Art was pretty fun. Lorraine came over and brought some strawrberry milano cookies and a camera. The whole time we were taking abunch of pictures and dancing to Fire by 2NE1.

bite the bullet

I think I'm going crazy. I really need help storing all the FCN stuff Al is passing down to me and it's really difficult when people are telling me that they "don't have room". That answer is understandable, but I don't have room either. I'm already holding onto so much stuff for FCN/E-Board that my parents want to start throwing it out. I don't know how much more I can take before they snap.

When I mentioned that we should possibly invest in a storage room, and that we may possibly have to pay $5 dollars each, I got no response. No one can help, or doesn't want to. 

My last hope is to contact them, personally. I just hate when I feel like I have to bother people.

Al's parents are bringing all the stuff down this Saturday, and on that very day, I have to take it off their hands. I just won't have anywhere to put it. This is one of the first tasks I have to do as FCN, and our first task as board. I wish it wasn't so hard. I really need people to just answer me, or at least bite the bullet with me. What scares me is in the long run, will I be able to rely on them? In the end, I'm scared that I'll have no one to to turn to on board, but my self. I'm probably just stressing over nothing..like I usually do. I'm sorry for ranting. I just need you to help me keep me sane.

On a happier note, I had a family dinner..with my whollle family. Mom, Papa, Kuya, Ate..everyone. We made rib-eye steak, cauliflower mash and zucchini. I actually enjoyed the steak (and this is coming from a meat-hater. lol.. My sister and I haven't been fighting lately. She's treating me out to Mitsuwa tomorrow when I come home from school. Then Tuesday, I'm going t Sprinkles with Jed. I miss the old times, but I'm happy to see it reappear again.

when one door closes, a window cracks open

Lord, am I still doing things right? Is this still all apart of your plan?

"Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter?"  Nothing - the Script
I wonder if this is how he's feeling. Because I know I have been feeling this way.

There are times when I literally want to shut down. I've been so stressed lately with everything that's going on. I just never have time to myself anymore. I come home late; I rarely talk to my family and I practically run on less than 4 hours of sleep and one meal a day. One thing that clearly shows is when I'm distressed. I put in so much effort into everything I do...or at least everything I still have time for. I've been up to my ears with all that's been placed in front of me. Does my effort even show in all the work I do anymore? Or does it just look like a bunch of bullshit. Hmph. I must be fooling myself just looking for another person's approval. I just want to know if I'm still good enough...for anybody nowadays. 

Maybe I'm just making it seem a lot worse than it really is. I loose hope quickly and tumble into a state of hopelessness faster than anyone around me. I think what scares me the most is when I don't know what to expect and what's heading in my direction. I like knowing what's to come because I find comfort in predictability; but lately I can't tell the outcome of anything anymore. But there has to be some sort of good coming out of this right?? With Samahan and all my other duties as an officer, it really has occupied my day and in a way it's good because it distracts myself from the lingering pain of a heart ache. I haven't really had to time to heal and it hurts too much when I try. My heart still shatters and it hurts every time I think of what happened. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I need this. I can't tell Lord, is this your idea of making me stronger? Was I suppose to come across what I found? Forgive me Lord, but why? I've never felt so alone. 

fuck this shit. 'bout to go and fly a motherfuckin' kite 

My Mom tells me "Don't be a Hero. You can't save everyone." That was the first thing she said to me when she found out that I was elected Cultural Coordinator. Yes Mom, you're right. I can't save everyone. But maybe there's someone out there just like me who I can save. Save them before they end up becoming an effed up person like me. I'm damaged "goods". Mentally and physically. But maybe I was never "good" from the beginning or at least good enough.

But one day I will be. I hope...

Smile

Lord, I'm really trying to live out the end of my senior year. But I'm finding it to be so difficult. Bad things happen..but why is it happening now? I'm trying so hard to be happy.

Today, we watched Shutter Island in class. I get really scared..very easily and I think I freaked out the whole class. Is it possible to fear, fear? My heart was pounding so hard when I saw that really scary image, my hands were starting to shake and I kept apologizing. I was on the verge of crying. I'm so pathetic.

During Art I talked to Angel. I told her why I don't go to Core Team and why I don't attend church anymore. I'm sorry. I feel lost right now and I'm just trying to find myself. Before I could even say anything to her, I was already breaking down. I'm such a crybaby.

Summer classes will be starting once vacation starts. It's close to $2,000 just for one month. Two hours a day. I feel so stupid. I feel like I'm wasting my parent's money. And it honestly kills me that they're going out of their way just for my Prom. Before it never really was a big deal to me, but now it is. My family really wants me to enjoy myself but how can I. Things aren't going right. But I think if I complain anymore, I'll just cry. No matter what. If it happens to rain Saturday, if the car breaks down, if we're late. If everything goes wrong, one thing is for sure. I'm going to smile. For my Mom, for my Dad, for my sister, my brother. For him.

I'm really trying, but I'm about to give up. Lord, even though nothing is going right, I'm going to try my best to smile.