when one door closes, a window cracks open

Lord, am I still doing things right? Is this still all apart of your plan?

"Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter?"  Nothing - the Script
I wonder if this is how he's feeling. Because I know I have been feeling this way.

There are times when I literally want to shut down. I've been so stressed lately with everything that's going on. I just never have time to myself anymore. I come home late; I rarely talk to my family and I practically run on less than 4 hours of sleep and one meal a day. One thing that clearly shows is when I'm distressed. I put in so much effort into everything I do...or at least everything I still have time for. I've been up to my ears with all that's been placed in front of me. Does my effort even show in all the work I do anymore? Or does it just look like a bunch of bullshit. Hmph. I must be fooling myself just looking for another person's approval. I just want to know if I'm still good enough...for anybody nowadays. 

Maybe I'm just making it seem a lot worse than it really is. I loose hope quickly and tumble into a state of hopelessness faster than anyone around me. I think what scares me the most is when I don't know what to expect and what's heading in my direction. I like knowing what's to come because I find comfort in predictability; but lately I can't tell the outcome of anything anymore. But there has to be some sort of good coming out of this right?? With Samahan and all my other duties as an officer, it really has occupied my day and in a way it's good because it distracts myself from the lingering pain of a heart ache. I haven't really had to time to heal and it hurts too much when I try. My heart still shatters and it hurts every time I think of what happened. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I need this. I can't tell Lord, is this your idea of making me stronger? Was I suppose to come across what I found? Forgive me Lord, but why? I've never felt so alone. 

fuck this shit. 'bout to go and fly a motherfuckin' kite 

My Mom tells me "Don't be a Hero. You can't save everyone." That was the first thing she said to me when she found out that I was elected Cultural Coordinator. Yes Mom, you're right. I can't save everyone. But maybe there's someone out there just like me who I can save. Save them before they end up becoming an effed up person like me. I'm damaged "goods". Mentally and physically. But maybe I was never "good" from the beginning or at least good enough.

But one day I will be. I hope...